lynsie_von_lee's Journal

8:15am: “The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude." - Aldous Huxley

Lately I've enjoyed being disconnected.
I partly regret reactivating my online accounts because everyone is so pointless.
I've enjoyed being in solitude and have come to realize that I don't really like mankind all that much lately.
Don't take it personal, if you think this applies to you, because it probably doesn't.
But if you want to assume it does, then who cares what I think anyway?
```````````
My camera broke, so I think Matt is getting me a really nice one for Christmas.
Which will be awesome for Gods Girls shoots
and I'm also thinking of starting my own photo-journalism online blog.
Not an informative type, but more artistic/creative. I'm pretty excited.
Christmas is going to be amazing. I've already decorated a bunch and wrapped the gifts I bought so far.
and Matt has been playing Christmas jingles on the piano, so it's all the more lovely.
````````````
My last final is today. I don't know how I think I did on my writing one yesterday.. well, to be honest, I think I fucked it up. but we'll see.
The one today is for my online theatre class and it's fucking ridiculous.
100 questions that I have to have memorized and 2 full essay questions.
NEVER TAKING AN ONLINE CLASS AGAIN!
wayyy too much busy work and inconsistency. but at least I know now while the school life is early.
I finally decided what I want to major in- Administrative Assistant.
It speaks for itself and it's something that will always be needed.
Plus I realized that I don't want to run my own business, I'd rather assist someone in running theirs.
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“I can sympathize with people's pains, but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.”

6:24pm: A LITTLE HELP PLEASE!

2:56pm: you know they never really owned you
you just carried them around
then one day you put them down
and found your hands were free

10:45am: rollercoaster
so the guy with the apartment decided to go a different route and doesn't need anyone to take over his lease.
but i did find another apartment that has really good move-in specials and am gonna go look at it around 2pm.
so we'll see what happens with that.

this morning started out good, then got really stressful, but is now decent again.
i woke up before everybody and got some time to myself which was nice.
and instead of getting a ride to school from matt, i decided to take public transportation.
so i get on the train and realize that somewhere along the way my daughter had thrown/dropped her bottle. i didn't have another one packed, so i called my mom (who babysits) and she didn't have one either. and my daughter needs a bottle otherwise she will get really cranky/fussy and my mom works graveyard and is already super tired when she babysits so i didn't want her having to deal with that.
so i decided to go back home and miss school.
which stresses me out because we have rough drafts for a paper due on friday, but haven't gotten our full assignment for it yet.
but i emailed my teacher and texted a girl in the class, hoping they'll keep me updated on everything.

so like i said, today is a rollercoaster and i'm just riding it out.
i love you all and hope your days are going well :)

12:49pm: today i looked into the mirror and said "I love you" out loud.
i don't know why i've never done it before, because instantly i smiled and saw pure happiness.
i saw what other people see when i'm happy and it was beautiful.
although i had no makeup on, my face blemished and bland, and i fell asleep with my hair wet, causing it to be kinky and unkempt,
the light that shined through my eyes protruded beyond the surface.
i am beautiful when i'm happy.
i am happy when i love myself.

my cute and awesome neighbors are becoming drifters.
so they are getting rid of all of their worldly possessions
and by getting rid, i mean they have them out on the curb with a free sign.
so i've done my share of rummaging and have gotten some amazing treasures.
we even got a neat chair for the living room.
speaking of, i rearranged our living room yesterday and the feng shui of it all is amazing.
now that me and matt are starting on a new path of life together, i figure change is only good.
so i shaved his head and rearranged the living room.
i feel like i need a change within myself as well..
loving myself is a good start.
but i want a physical change.
hmmm.
i guess i'll figure it out when the time is right.
matt joked that i should shave my head too.
haha yeah right. i have way too many scars on my misshaped head for that.
plus it's winter and i'd freeze to death.
but we'll see what i come up with, because when i do it will be amazing.
<3

2:15pm: my birthday

12:58pm: textbooks?!
anybody have any of these textbooks i can borrow/have/buy for cheap:

Patterns For College Writing W/ 2009 Mla Update, Kirszner
ISBN 978-0-312-60152-2


Theater: Lively Art, Wilson
ISBN 978-0-07-351411-6


Theatrical Design & Production, Gillette
ISBN 978-0-7674-1191-2
or
ISBN 978-0-07-351419-2

10:17am:

i've gotten back into writing poetry. it's such a relief to let things go through words.
i realized that lately i've been taking life too literally, so poetry is a good escape...
*sigh* it just feels good. plus it'll help my song writing.
i kind of want to start writing "spoken-word" songs/poems and performing them at open mics.
that's how ani difranco got her start and she just amazes me so i think it will be glorious.

in other news, i discovered the most amazing thing ever: 5HTP.
it's a natural supplement that helps anxiety/depression/panic attacks PLUS it's a sleep aid and appetite suppressant. so it's like THE MOST PERFECT THING EVER!! i stopped breast feeding at the beginning of this week so i can finally start taking it. i took it for the first time last night and slept amazing and woke up alert and refreshed at 6am! before anyone in the house, even the baby.
this stuff is such a life saver. it helps your body create more seratonin naturally and it's just amazing. i love it. love love loveeee it.
i can't wait til it's fully in my system (most supplements take weeks to be fully effective) because i'm hoping that it stops my panic attacks when i drive. we'll see!

9:15am: it's a soupy day.
the world is wet and steaming.
hot to the tongue, you're good with words.
resonating and contemplative.
unlike mine.
unlike me.
i want to resonate.
to leave a bitter taste on your tongue.
like coffee stains.
on the bottom of a paper cup.
discarded.
my words are disregarded.
they used to flow they used to pour.
but now my lips are dry like bones.
brittle bones strewn along the desert.
bleached by the sun.
sifted by the sand.
perhaps one day they will be discovered.
collected one by one. put back together. and put on display.
an exhibit. an exhibition.
one day you will listen.

5:39pm: i want to write a poem.
off the top of my head.
i'm thinking of you. a piece of paper folded.
and unfolded.
creases left in unwanted places.
you can't decrease paper.
you can't erase old feelings.
they stare up at you as you stare down at them.
trying to forget.
reminding yourself to remember to forget.
a note on the mirror is a temporary fortune.
an ambience of motivation.
an ambulance that picks you up and gets you through the day.
almost.
i want to pick you up. smell your hair. and kiss your lips.
or maybe i don't.
maybe i want to pick you up. light a match. and burn your edges.
ashes fall.
ashes fall like love.

11:48am: Evolution of Allora-
( pictures pictures pictures )
gosh there were so many cute ones to decide from!!

10:38pm: in highschool-
during my senior year, i had a morning anthropolgy class and my teacher, mr. sweeting, was amazing and liked me for who i was.
and even though i was always a little late for class, he didn't mind (although he gave my friend detention all the time for it).
well one day, as i was walking into class, late as usual, i noticed that everyone was being more quiet than normal.
so i said aloud, "who died?" jokingly.
i walked up to my teacher to give him my tardy slip and he whispered "so-and-so shot themselves last night"
it turned out that one of the students, whom i didn't know, killed himself the night before and the school was having a moment of silence in his honor.
and i ruined it with my sick sense of humor and terrible sense of comedic timing. hahaha. fml.

2:29pm: even though i've gained a bit of weight, i took some sexy pictures.
they're in my journal on Gods Girls.
please check them out and tell me what you think!

http://www.godsgirls.com/girls/LynsieLee/journal/401122

<333

9:02am: rainy days.
turned the heat on.
and i plan on cuddling my family alllllllll day!
vanilla nut coffee.
maybe bake some cookies.

love :)

10:18pm: meow
am i a furrie?







bahahahaha!

9:29am: can i just say..
i really love Gods Girls.
it's one of the most amazing things to happen in my life.
i love everyone on it and it tickles my fancy :)

11:32am: at the apartment all day today deep cleaning since we're turning the keys in tonight.
i ordered a pizza and i'm like inhaling it. lmfao. what a pig.
we have like no food at the house or here, so it'll pretty much be all i eat today.

soooo. i'm planning on going to school (hopefully by the end of september).
and in order to do that, my mom will be watching allora.
which means that i have to live closer so the commute isn't hell.
so i'm probably going to be moving out of the house into my own apartment.
me and matt aren't having many problems or anything
i just need to do my own thing for a bit
we're both still young and definitely not ready to settle into the married life situation
so i think it will be amazing.
i wouldn't mind staying bf/gf but he thinks it'd be better if we took a break from the relationship as well to reassess things.
which i don't mind either, because i know he'll still be in mine and allora's lives.
and the love will always be there.
i just know that ONE day we will get married and buy a house, buuuut not today.

i'm very much excited for this new phase of my life.
i want my own place, i want my own say in things.
and i guess overall i'm super stoked because the place i want to live is right behind my mom's
and if i get good financial aid (which i know i will because i'm a single mom) it should help cover rent/bills.
plus i can take allora over to my moms whenever i need to do something like shower or run to the store!
yayyyy :D

i just need to make sure a couple things fall into place;
- go to the college something this week to sign up/register
- get the amount of financial aid living expenses i need
- get the apartment!

and since i tend to be getting everything i want lately (and that's not a good thing; leineweber blegh. haha) then it should all work out!
oh and since i couldn't find a legt school nearby that has Interior Design, i decided to just go to Mount Hood Community College because they have a General Studies degree that specializes in Theatre Tech set design. so with that i'd get the skills/experience i'm looking for and have a degree that can be used just about anywhere because it's general studies. plus theatre has always been my thing so DUH! i think it would be amazing to work for production companies staging the sets and whatnot. and since many companies are coming to portland in the future, it's like the perfect timing!
so i'm freaking excited. and the classes i get to take are gong to be amazing.
eeps!
life is anew.

and the most amazing thing about it all is that i regret nothing. i'm glad i didn't go to college right out of highschool, i feel like i'll benefit from it more at this point in my life. i'm so happy to have allora- she's my only motivation to stay on the right track.
and without matt i would never know true love and understanding.
things are always how they're supposed to be, even though sometimes it's hard to realize it in that very moment.

so let's just hope that everything falls into place with this next step in life.

8:28am: yayyy

so my friend Shannon is pretty much becoming my BFF.
i've realized we have the most in common, our personalities compliment eachother perfectly and we both have an artistic mindset.
with other friends i have to stress and try to think of things to do.
but with shannon we can do just anything!
and the thing i love the most is that not only our are personalities kind of opposite, but that loves me for who i am and we wouldn't change a thing about eachother.
with past friendships i've realized that one person usually has to try to be like the other for things to work- like a dominant/submissive thing.
and i was usually the one who wasn't comfortable enough with myself to be the domineering figure, so i always gave in to becoming someone i wasn't.
but now i can be me and shannon can be herself and we are happy and have good times.
she makes me happy, but not in a lesbian sort of way.
just a good friend sort of way :)

so anyway, yesterday she came over and brought me coffee and brought her super nice camera so we did an amazing photo shoot!
some pics with me and allora (and sometimes the cat. lol)
and some with just me!
and they turned out suuuuuuuuper nice!!
we have a good future ahead of us :)
here's some of the ones of me, but if you want to see all of them go to her Deviant Art gallery:
ArtisticallyPoetic.DeviantArt.com

( fotos fotos fotos )

anyway, there's a couple of them.
i'm sooo happy with the way they turned out, especially since i haven't modeled for an actual person in quite some time.
and the thing i love the most is that we're both learning our skills together, so i don't feel the pressure of having some well known photographer shoot me, nor have some creep i don't know telling me to take my shirt off in a parking garage. hahaha
but i definitely need to get back in *model* shape.
i know i'm not a whale or anything, but i know what i want with my body and right now it doesn't meet my standards.
i really need a jogging stroller!
but for now i should just get off my ass and stop eating like shit. haha
i tend to get myself into poor eating habits, and i'm pretty sure i have a sugar addiction. but that's a story for another post.

OH! back to shannon.
she also happens to be a cosmetologist so on saturday i'm going into her salon to get my hair/makeup done and then we're doing another shoot!
i'm super stoked.
matt will be out of town, so my mom is watching allora for the day.
so it'll be awesome. i can't wait :D

but yeah matt is going on a little mini tour for down to redding, california.
his band is playing a show here in portland tonight and then they're driving overnight to redding to play a show on saturday. and then they're headed back.
i know it doesn't seem like much, but they have a pretty big following in redding and want they're fans to feel the love.. and also buy their new cd. hehe

okay that's enough rambling. check out all the pictures, especially the ones of my adorable baby, on shannon's deviant art page!!
oh and i should mention, all of the photos were shot at my amazing new house :D

<3

3:57pm: i wish i may i wish i might
i wish i had a nanny
or actually i really want an Au Pair
which is a nanny from a foreign country that exchanges her services just for room and bored and a weekly allowance
if we had a spare room i would totally get one
or if me and matt ever break up and he moves out i'd get one and she could live in the basement
but the moral of the story is that i really really want one
because i'm sick of having to find sitters all the time
i feel rude asking
because we really only have two; my mom and matt's sister.
and my mom can usually only watch her during the day
and matt's sister is about to start working 2 jobs.
so UGH it's annoying.
and i feel like a bad friend when i can't do things because i need a sitter.
i mean, matt will and can watch her if he's not doing anything.
but he's like ALWAYS doing things.
and i'm not gonna ask him to not do what he wants in his free time
because he works and provides for our family so i don't have to.
so this is when an Au Pair would be amazing.
i'd really like a french one.

one day. one day...

11:11am: lazy susan.
tonight is our housewarming party
and i am sooooo lazy
haha
i need to do tons of cleaning and organizing
and right now would be the perfect time because allora is napping
buuuuuuuut
i've got a case of the lazies

blahhhhh

even to lazy to write a good entry.
deal with it.
or bring me a diet rockstar and watch allora while i clean?
(assuming she'll be up by the time you get here)

cha?

8:45am: *sigh*
so yesterday i was trying to convince matt to go to my moms and get me the kitty she was supposed to bring me.
and he kept saying, "we'll see" and junk like that
so i assumed he wasn't going to.
then he said he was going from our friend peter's place straight to our friend travis' place and was probably gonna spend the night
because he didn't want to drink and drive
so i just figured we'd get the kitty some other time and i'd be spending the night alone
well...
allora fell asleep on the couch and i was watching the curb marathon and playing farmville
and i hear the doorbell ring
i was kinda freaked out so i went to answer it slowly and turned the porch-light on
then i opened the door and no one was there
so i looked down and saw the kitty in it's crate and a dozen roses on top of it!!!
then matt jumped out from the side of the house to surprise me!
omg it was the bestest thing everrrrr
flowers and a kitten?!
and it's not even my birthday nor any holiday or time for celebration.
gah! this house has made our lives so much better
and this kitten is amazing, especially with allora
it let's her pick it up and hit it and everything and it just purrs. lol
i'm not sure if it's male or female yet, but i'm thinking it's a boy.
either way i'm getting it fixed
and i definitely need to get some flea shampoo for it
so yeah, last night allora slept in her crib and i slept in the livingroom with the kitty
it cuddled me allllll night (and i'm not even exaggerating!)
this cat is so perfect for our family. hehe. yay!
>^.^<

11:46am: i'm too impatient.
my mom slept in a little bit so she's getting a late start.
and she works graveyard so i'm not complaining
i'm just bored.
i wish i had my stinkin' vacuum!
matt has been too tired the past couple days to go to the apartment to get it
and with my anxiety i can't drive that far away
so i gotta wait to vacuum and it's gross
i thought about buying a new vacuum since we need one anyway
but we're still trying to see how our new budget will be so who knows
i just want to vacuum
this floor is gross and allora has dropped so many crumbs on it!
plus we're starting to get a major ant problem
it's so gross
i tried natural methods and those didn't work
so i bought toxic ant killer and that still isn't working enough
matt says we need to get the stuff that they take back to their nest and it kills them that way
so we'll see how that works

we're getting the new kitty today!
i'm sooooo excited
plus i found a Humane Society coupon so i can get her spayed for only like $40!
so she can be an outdoor/indoor kitty.

bla bla bla
i'm so borrrrred

my sister found a three bedroom house right down the street for only $900 a month!
she wants a roommate though, so if you're looking let me know :D

6:32pm: just waiting on matt to get home and for allora to nap
then i'm making dinner; mushroom pepperjack burgers and fries!
and then we're hopefully going on a trip to the apartment because i need to do laundry and i want to grab the vacuum.
my mom is coming to visit tomorrow!
she's taking the max and bringing me my bike and a new cat!!!
she has this tiny female cat that is so good with allora (she let's allora pick her up and be a little rough)
so i'm excited :D
i want to get her fixed but we'll see how much it is..
i'm just excited to have a cat again.
i know it's old maid of me, but i really think i need cats in my life in order to feel sane. haha
in order to be complete.
so we'll see how it goes.
i can't believe my mom is coming to visit me!
she never came to visit when we lived in south east, so i'm happy that she's actually interested in our new house :)
then i think my sister is coming over later in the day and we're possibly having a slumber party with our girls!
so i'm super excited for that.
my sister came over last night and we drank some wine and just hung out.
she is seriously like my bestest friend ever.
i mean, we grew up together so we can relate in ways that normal best friends don't.
as the saying goes, sisters by blood friends by choice. hehe
and then friday i get to see my shanooni! :DDD

this weather is pretty crappy, but life is pretty good.
even though i gained a bunch of weight during the move because i ate a bunch of fast food.
grossssss.
but me and shans are gonna start doing yoga from the comfort of my living room. lol.
and now that we have a basement i want to get an eliptical!

hey my bday is in a little over a month. i'm old!
well matt's on his way, gonna start cookin.
<3

11:30am: update:
packing
packing
packing
moving
packing
moving
moving
moving
attended wedding
bad sleep
moving
packing
attending birthday party
moving
packing
tired
tired
tiredddddd

10:22am: if you didn't know already..
WE GOT THE FUCKIN HOUSE MUTHA FUCKAAAAAAA!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
:D :D :D

we signed the lease yesterday and got the key.
i even convinced him to waive the last months rent up front bullshit, since we're signing the lease anyway.
so we're breaking our apt lease today
and our trying TRYING to be moved out by the weekend.
AH! i'm soooo fucking happy and excited and just sifioaeoirfasofaerae
about it all
it's so weird that it's actually happening
it feels so surreal and dream-like
i never thought that my karma was that good, but who knew!
i'm definitely believing in a god more and more
i feel so blesssed
i feel god in my heart and soul and i know that my god is looking out for us as a family
especially since we didn't have an abortion
because i remember when i first was pregnant and weighing my options i just felt a sensation that was telling me that i was supposed to have allora.
i'm not trying to get all religious, because i don't practice religion
i just have faith and compassion

so anywho, that was a random rant. haha
i am too excited
me and ashley might go over there tonight when the babies are asleep and deep clean the place
i really want to scrub the floors and clean the bathroom
and the babies will be asleep so their fathers can watch em
did i mention how much i love ashley?
she is my best friend soul mate
ever since 7th grade
it's amazing how 10 years later we're still so much alike and have the same things going on
even when she lived in colorado we'd still be going through the same things at the same time
we even met our mates within a week of each other! haha
yesterday we went and swam at her grandma's house; since she has her own built in pool.
it was awesome. we had a good time as usual.
she might even start watching allora for me!
i'm considering working 5 days a week instead of just 3
and she says she'll watch allora for $50 a week which is awesome!
especially since it's someone i know and trust and love.

so there's just so many good things to look forward to in the near future.
i feel like we have more control over our life
i just hope that breaking our lease goes smoothly
i know we have to pay $875 to break the lease
but i figure everything that's binding in the lease will be cancelled once we break it, right?
who knows.
we're talking to the apt manager when matt gets home.
i'll just continue to pray
it seems to be the best thing to do when life becomes unknowing.